Monday, 8 December 2014

Your ways...


I just have to say
I love the way
You never
Let me down.

The way you
Speak for me and
Stand by me and
Hold me proud.

The way you
Weep for me and
Pray for me in
Failed times.

And all your
Smiles and cheers
And happy tears
I live by.

And words of
Wisdom that you
Talk amidst your
Silly jokes.

And some so
Meaningless yet
Etched into my
Deepest souls.

And then this
Pain I give which
Hurts you still you
Shrug it off.

And then that
Promise broken
Kills but you keep
Goin’ on.

And like the
Fragrance and the
Spring Flowers that
Whither away,

You will be
Ached for in the
Coldness of the
Winter days.

And then, like always
And forever
I will
Surely say…

My love, I still do
Love your ways.

~Almas Kiran Shamim


Monday, 13 October 2014


And then sometimes we wonder if anything that we do is worth it. When people around us continue to be sad, try as we may to alleviate their pains. There are so many things I do not understand about God and suffering is the most important one of those things. You tried so hard, so very hard. Is it really wrong to dream and wish? All I want is people I love to be happy. It kills me to see someone I love sad. How I wish I could erase things from your life that you never wanted to be there. I wish there was no pain, no hurt and no tears. And I want you to be happy. However cheesy it sounds, I do actually feel happy if you are happy. I tried in every possible way I could. What else can I do to make your pain go away? I do not know. Oh! I am sad. Coz' nothing is sadder than seeing your loved ones sad.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

21 Reflections

1. Once upon a time, India beat Pakistan in a World Cup cricket match. One Bengali lady responding to a reporter on the streets of Calcutta, over the noise of crackers and with a mithai ka dibba in her hand, gleefully screems "Doodh maango toh kheer denge....Kashmir maango toh cheer denge." .... .... just reminded of it....

2. I am also reminded of you and you.

3. Then we have these classes on equity..capitalism....rights...justice and what not..... No wonder you don't like these teachers.... You don't believe in what they teach!

4. Anyway, I am sure my teachers have their own special I reach up to page 10 and still reach nowhere. They know the world and they never even get to click page 2.!!!!!

5. One of the most heart breaking moments of my life was when my ex had told me “Main galat thha Almas. Jee lo apni zindagi.”…. I keep reading things like ‘Something died inside me’…. Well, that evening, something died inside me.

6. And now, I feel that feeling again- of something dying inside me.

7. I don’t think it’s dead yet. It is dying. If it doesn’t die, I will kill it. No worries.

8. My ears do not ‘salivate’ anymore. Well…. Very rarely they do.. but not like earlier.

9. I recently read a HONY post which is stuck in my head. It is about a boy who waited for guests on his 10th birthday and realized, as he saw the setting sun, that no one would come. ‘It set the theme for the rest of my life’, he said..or something like that.

10. I remember my sister’s engagement. We waited for guests that never came.

11. I can very well see that the theme for my life had been set…I am just not able to figure out what exactly set that theme.

12. THIS will definitely set the theme for the rest of my life.

13. I like atheism.

14. It hurts me to find people using atheism as a veil to their hatred for certain groups. You are not atheists. You are haters. You are just warding off a ‘hater’ label being applied to your own group.

15. In our HP2 class, we were discussing the youth policy. It was formed by a group that didn’t have a single ‘youth’. The class laughed at the stupidity.

16. I am sure the class doesn’t bother what the Kashmiris think of Kashmir.

17. I was once called a borderline terrorist.

18. Sumit Kumar and Gagan Meshram- two internet friends who turned haters when they found me defending Muslim rights.

19. I don’t mind deleting people. From my contacts or from my life. I do that too easily and too often.

20. I don’t miss people. Why do I feel I’ve told it earlier as well?

21. I have voted thrice. Probably not very consequential to the nation. Two out of those three times, I have voted against Congress.

22. I am very superstitious; I think naming my cats kill them. My current cat does not have a name. We simply call him my son. ‘Mera beta’.

 23. We recently got a kitty. I named her Barbie. She died.

24. I want to wander around. All I want is the money to do it.

25. We the people of India, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a Sovereign Democratic Republic.

26. #Sickular was thought to be Constitutional, once upon a time. But then again, who follows the Constitution, right? Not me anyway!


Wednesday, 26 March 2014

On playgrounds and bhoots.

I keep thinking of writing on my blog. While walking back from the canteen, while sitting through a boring class, while so many things. But, each time I turn my laptop on there’s always something more important to be written down. I have opened this new word document midway through writing a 3000 words report for my epi class. There’s so much to read and write that I am not able to ‘read’ and ‘write’ much, which is quite a shame coz people always take time out for things and people they love. Probably I don’t love to ‘read’ and ‘write’ after all. Anyway, there’s so much on my mind that I am really not able to focus on any one thing… so, I guess I should make it just a ‘moments’ post.
This is playground no.1

We had those big playgrounds in our school when we were young. The first had cemented flooring- the basketball and volleyball courts. We had a stage there earlier. Then we had those royal steps leading down to the second ground where there used to be Diwali celebrations before our school authorities awoke to the uselessness of fireworks in such a grand way. Then we had a third ground. They grew something there. Long grasses. God knows kis cheez ka grass. And the slope that led to that ground was one of the steepest slopes for me. I remember we weren’t allowed to go to the third ground usually. And there were numerous rumours among us about the possible reasons why we weren’t allowed to go down there. The most common was, as is obviously common among all children, there is bhoot in the ground. We even claimed to have seeing a girl comb her long hair at a window near the house and disappear the next time we looked that way (though exactly how it proves that she is a bhoot is something I must question my younger self!)So, anyway, we weren’t allowed to go to that ground. But, when we were, it was like Eid for all of us and all the kids ran down that slope (the one I was talking about before being carried away by the bhoot story)as fast as they could run, screaming at the top of their voices…All of us, except one child- ME! Coz I didn’t know how to run down a slope!!! I was scared like shit! And each time I had to ask some other child to hold my hand and walk me down the slope (there weren’t many takers for this helpful position coz it deprived them of the chance of running down the slope!).
A few minutes ago I was walking towards my hostel and I saw this tree on the way. It has a fruit-ugly and dried up and I don’t think it is fruity kind of fruit, but just a fruit biologically, if you know what I mean. It reminded me of that ground with long grasses. I could almost feel being back in that ground- from where we could see Central School. We used to play bhoot-bhoot (obviously!!! ) and ghar-ghar. Some of my classmates could make samosas out of a certain kind of tree leaves (I obviously didn’t know how to!) We played ‘batla poison’ (bottle of poison) and ‘kati patang’. Ahhh!!! We now have a big auditorium in the third ground. Mother Veronica auditorium. It used to be hot and windy down there (perfect for the ‘bhoots’ that lived in the ground).

No twist in the tale. This post ends here :P

Tuesday, 18 March 2014


Life is going on. Alhamdulillah for that. But, every once in a while we come across people, things, incidents that make us wonder if there's any point in all this.
Like a big grey cloud that hovers on your head, sadness may be following you. Worse still if the sadness is not yours but of people around you. People you want to help, you try to  help, but can't.
What a helpless feeling it is- not to be able to sort things out for others.
Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Those 'manglik' kind of things. Why are the people around me sad? Why do I have to struggle always to make people happy. Or is it that this is all my job in this world is? To cheer people up. I can go on only that much. I can inspire, motivate, help, support only that much. Beyond that, I am no less a human than anyone around me. I too can crash and burn.
If only I could change fortunes, I would. If only I could make things alright, I would. If only I was God.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

That Mythical Top

We are not all meant to be at the top. We must realize that. And we must realize it soon.
A lot of people keep telling me that ‘if he can do it, so can you!’
I don’t think they tell that with any intention other than the best for me, but, still.. life is about choosing which advice you want to take and which to dump.

I, very personally, do not believe that if he/she can do it, so can I; just like I don’t believe that if I can do it, so can he/she. We all have our own place in this world, our own destinations and our own paths. While there can be similarities between my path and someone else’s, they can’t be the same in totality.
Off late, there has been much talk about how a group of people (which includes me) is not as good as we could be. How, we don’t do this and we don’t do that!! It kind of started getting on to me and so I thought of sorting it out for myself.
So well, this is how I do it…

I do admit that it would be great if I could be everywhere all the time. If I could excel in everything. If I could be at The Top- that Mythical Top. But the question which arises next is- ‘Can I?’

Some wise men and women out there would be quick in giving that clich├ęd answer of ‘if you think you can, you can!’
I am too unwise to even start considering that!!!
My belief- that core belief which we all have deep down in our hearts- doesn’t really lead me into that full-of-myself approach to life. I am of those who believe that life is too short to be wasted by being busy, busy so that you can do everything, do everything so that you reach the top, reach the Top coz that is where each one of us is meant to be.

I do not like being busy. I do not like multi-tasking. I do not like being everywhere all the time. I do not like pushing myself so hard that a fall beyond the edge becomes inevitable. I do not believe in The Top.
I am a grateful person. And the only thing I seek is happiness. Happiness, to me, is all that matters. So, if for someone happiness would mean keeping your head full of appointments and events and social obligations, may God give them the happiness they seek. To me, happiness lies in the uncertainty of life, however scary that is! To me, life comes in steps- which I believe in taking one at a time.

To me, beauty lies in the self and that which surrounds us and this beauty cannot be devoured.
I repeat to those who didn’t get it the first time-

Beauty CANNOT be devoured.
Beauty can only be savoured.

So, I am ever amazed by the so-called voracious readers who can read a thousand pages novel in an hour or two. I keep claiming that I love reading, but, I have read very few books in my life. Even in the days when I used to read like a crazy devil, I believe I have never gone beyond 50 books a year. So these people, the voracious readers, amaze me! They amaze me because I wonder if I, using my personal definition, would even cal them ‘readers’ coz to me reading is taking in the beauty of the words. I have diaries full of beautiful sentences that I find while reading. I started doing it long back when I was 11. Of course, mediums have changed and I use more of word documents now, but the habit doesn’t go. When I read, I read each word as if my life depends on it. I don’t just read sentences, I also smell, hear, taste and feel them. It is only when I combine all this that I can even call it reading. I wonder if my voracious reader friends do that!! And if they do, how do they find the time for it! Coz’ I bloody don’t! I am a slow person. I savour life. Each moment of it. I am a fire girl, a Sagittarian! You can’t change that about me!

So, in all this savouring and feeling every bloody un-feelable thing, I sort of lag behind others in many ways. And trust me, I do not even consider it lagging behind! I use those words to convey the message to my friends who wouldn’t understand a language different from this! I believe in, truly believe in, quality over quantity. I would never measure my life by the number of parties I attended or the number of ‘contacts’ I made. I would always treasure that one party with a ‘huge’ group of 3 friends and that stranger I met at the airport with whom I discussed “Midnight’s Children”. And just so you know, I talk a lot to strangers. Strangers are the safest people you’ll ever meet.

I can’t be good at everything, however impossible it is to not be good at everything!! Insert*sarcasm*

And I don’t mind it. I do not want to be the best in everything, be everyone’s favourite, have everything planned, reach The Top. I love to learn, to know, to work, to act, to do my part. I have so many wishes, I can’t actually write them down here… I work to see them fulfilled. But, I work and move on. My aim is the work. Not the fulfillment of my wish. The fulfillment of the wish should always be the bonus, never the aim. The aim should always be work. The more we free ourselves from The Top, the freer we become in general- to do things we like doing- the things that matter the most- the things that make us happy!

Like I already told, we are all here to be somewhere and it is not always at that Top. If everyone becomes a CEO, there’d be no worker to work for the company. And would there be a company if there were no workers? And if there’s no company, toh kahe ka CEO?
Some of us are meant to be in that high class group, some other in the middle, yet others in that group which is neither in the middle nor at the top but somewhere in between them. And much love to those of us who are meant to be at the bottom, everything else rests on us- we are the foundation of all structures!

Life WILL take us where we are meant to reach. That is our place and we’ll find it- ‘contacts’ or no ‘contacts’.

The more we treasure each position, the better we treat people, the more just we become. If we (please count me out) believe that everyone can and should be at The Top, we somehow undermine the positions lower than The Top. We undermine the students who cannot get good marks, the girls who don’t have blemish free skin, the children who don’t win in sports. We somehow restrict beauty, success and those high end abstract nouns to the superlative in each domain. I think that is very harmful.

I will not screw myself. I will not make my life busy as hell so that I can do things which are ‘considered’ appropriate and also do things which I like doing (leaving them is out of the question!). I do not mind if I do not reach your Mythical Top. I am fine where I am. I have heard that the view from The Top is awesome! But that’s just the view of it- the real awesomeness lies right there at the Bottom! The Bottom full of its flaws. Besides, the oxygen concentration is also pretty low!

So, you go ahead and live your life your way. I will continue to be amazed at your strange ways, but, I won’t question you, never! And you can judge me all you want but I am strong enough to be unmoved by the definitions of success and smartness that you throw at me! Thanks for all your suggestions, but my life will be lived on my terms. You may take me or leave me!


Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.



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